i am empty

how does a watermelon hold in all that sweet liquid? as if it were made and grew for the exact moment it was open. how does it know?

crying doesnt make you feel better. it just seems so becuase when u cry ur world is going through a black hole and when u get back out, it appears as if you feel better...when all it is...is sudden change
rain on me and leave thunder to the cowards

You dont want to hear this but ur not the only one

so unaccpected, so far...I didnt realize i was looking through binoculars. looking everywhere except withing... Remembering is like forcing hands on a hot cast iron pot and not being able to pull away..it burns, it hurts, its okay...it will go numb some day. Exhale is all i want to do...not taking in anything.
where do i look? under my bed where i still believe a monster exists? where do i search for my existance. where's my reason to give. A heart is just a bloody peice of muscle.
the thunder is so loud, it vibrates through me and shakes the loose soil i walk on...blinds my eyes with sudden brightness....I'm right here, you fool. Are you so bad at aiming?

smile for me, it hurts

who would have thought it would hurt to see a smile.
or that a smile can achieve such pleasantly painful bliss.
you smile, i hurt.
the grooves of your dimples...deep enough to touch the deepest and blackest of wounds.
what a fool i was to think i understood the sentiments of the soul.
the more you think you understand, the more you end up being totally confused...stuck in a puff of smoke you urself puffed and let grow...
when your eyes morph into your smile, you look like a child not yet self concious.
you forget and i forget the world.
SNAP
back to reality, where a dream is useless...

This is a reminder

your stay here is temporary distractions distractions distraction . . . meant to waste your life and make u heavy, sinking like a worthless unworthy droplet of tainted rain water... polluted and heavy with puffy nose-lifting arrogance and the deception that what is common is what is supposed to be. So distracted that what is right is wrong and what is wrong is famous. Your stupidity is not measured by how much you dont know...but by how much you fill yourself with worthless time-wasting pollution.
leave your droplet pure...once you let enter a single distraction, it does nothing but hold the door for its other buddies to stampede and possess every atom of rationality you once had.. One...two....four.........eight . . . you can't judge anymore. the proportions are off and your sense of reality is evaporating...down isntead of up, up instead of still. and you are dead, dead with lungs still heaving.

dedicated to 1:11 and 11:11 and 1:01 and 11:01 and 10:01 and 10:10...etc

I GET IT...one One ONE WON
lemmi alone
what is it...a good sign? a torturing devilish tantilizing figure? a warning? a reminder? a paranoia?? a coincidence that never seizes to coincide with every other day? Its just a number...its just a number...its just a figure...its just a ...OMG its 11:01

Hello friend

Its in those moments of total and absolute misery that you search your fogged up mind for what remains genuine. No fog deems thick enough to block your brilliant sparkle, where as all others fade with merely the suspicioun of bad weather. You are dear, you are one, you are my friend.

ur not as amusing as u r confusing...a reality hallucination

no matter how much i did repeat "its an illusion its an illusion" you did find a way to seep ...because no matter how firmly i squeeze this sponge of mine...there always seems some way to absorb, the tainted blackness of your breath. and no matter how far back i go, there's always that corner that teased me so. I know i know i KNOOOWWWW. I know that no matter how far back i go...that breath of yours will certainly flow and seep yet again. There are no Gods, more than one would make a war and this world would not seize to exist longer than a half of your dark breath. Nothing in this worldly world could ever replace, the loss i fealt when i realized...this world does not resemble an atom's worth of what i wished it to be. The potential for cruelty in homo sapiens is horrificly substantial. It's nothing really, its just the norm.

SHUT UP

once upon a gloomy morn
I approached a flower with a thorn
wondering back to why this was
all I came up with was a "just because"

haunt me haunt me all you can
childhood truama, nothing but a scam
You say it, you think it, you punch it
its still there...damb Damb DAMB

here's a post it note to slit ur throat

Its too early little bird. I know you think you're "really ready" to take on that cool breeze and flutter those tiny naive wings...But your patience is the sign of readiness and once the time has passed enough...That's when you are really ready. So open up and take this wiggling fresh worm...feel the comfort and warmth of the it wiggling down your throat because I promise you, little bird, you will one day wish and long for that moment of gratitude and the silence worries. Ahh the good old enticing breeze you'de think back...The anticipation that need'nt be anticipated. O moment of gullibility, innocence, and unrealistic optimism...I do miss you.

OMG OMG OMG

i am soooo embarresed...im embarresed, im embarresed im embarresed!!!....God, i feel like this clumsy orange thorn-filled flower ...taller then all the other white ones around it and it cant hide!!! why did i dooo that? I keep ruining it for..well, for me. Ahhhh, i want to scream..but im not about to embarres myself even more.

Tainted

I put it on a platter, and spent days...days decorating it and garnishing and i didnt care that my fingers were swollen. I didnt care that it was cold and my joints were aching. I stayed and made for you what you wanted, even if it tore me and it tortured me and there was nothing but white shiny bones left of me. I gave you everything i had and left none for my own funeral. Why did you take that platter and smash it on the concrete harsh wall? an inch away from my shiny bones. and stepped on the platter crumbling the fragile porciline even more under your boots which hid your flesh which hid your protected bones.
A dark blue shadow is under my eyes still, although this one doesn't show. But it burns...When droplets of concrete tears scrape through my skin, i wish and long for a scraping knife along my cheeks instead.
I pinch myself...I am solid, I swear I am. But those soundwaves...sharpened like a diamond's cut make me cringe and feel like a gas. I am not solid, every comment passes me as light would pass smoke. touching and hurting every particle that i regret being created.
I gave you everything. you... you, who deserves not to breathe of even this tainted air that surrounds us. I wish upon you nothing more than what has befallen me from you.
I do not wish for my enemies best friend this torture that I have been through...no not torture...this death.
At night my eyes widen in fear that a particle of you remains near...still lingering with a sneer. Darkness they say...embodies nothing that light does not. NO i reply...NO darkness is the constant reminder that there is unknown out there...unknown that can enlighten us to the horror of reality. Let there be light...but let there be no dark, for i cringe at the thought of more hidden atrocities in this world equal to a quarter of what my life has been through.

The cat ate and enjoyed my tongue..

The cat got my tongue so many times today... I think it liked it so much that it just swallowed, savored, and delightfully made the decision to not return it. What is the world coming to? Everyday something new gets to me. Today it is slavery in mauritania. yyyyyyy ? I can't believe that as I am sitting here right now one of those "slave born" slaves is being beaten or chained or mistreated. I can not believe that nothing is being done. I am so annoyed and aggrevated by this and the thought of all those children. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING...and hopefully I will! I now make a promise to myself and all the readers(who probably sum up to only me) that I will DO SOMETHING FOR THOSE SLAVES. you hear me?? good! I will not forget this promise. Now...I just need to think of what i can do.

Who are they and what do they want?

Today I seem to be nerve reckingly horrible sociaphobic... for what reason? I can delve into my subconcious perhaps and present a guess...but I'm afraid I am not enlightened as to where these short phases appear from. It feels like I am a bright green fly among a swarm of gray ones...and it is only so in my eyes.. I get the hair-raising feeling people are watching me only to find out by a glance that it is not so. I am more self concious then a kindergartner being presented to his/her class on his/her first day.

My furrowed eyebrows

Today ...I can't recall exactly what has gotten to my nerves. It feels as though a 1000 Degree celcius metal needle snuck beneath my skin and into my jugular vein...and made my blood just "want" to boil. My eyebrows....whether I smile, or laugh or whatever else i try to fake, my eyebrows remain furrowed at a rather evil annoyed beseeming angle. No sentiment remain's in me today..perhaps tomorrow I will find reason to smile and perhaps my eyebrows will agree its a good enough reason to accompany the smile.

Digging Deep

Today was a wonderful day...if it hadn't been for one phone call, it wouldnt have been so 'wonderful'. I talked to a prism. Everying eminates from this person and reflects the right spots in me...creating a rainbow colored so brilliantly I'm afraid im not diservant of the vibrant numerous colors. You're so far burried in the ground my dear... and even though i know i can not reach u with my bare hands i still dig my nails longingly in the dryness of the compound earth. How i wish it rains on this cold night so that the ground may be moist and i can easily reach for you. You live on top and i on top as well, each thinking the other is underneath. I want to delve in a world of dreams where both are on the same terrain. I want to be deserving of every second you directed to me. Cry for me

The Moon is Out

Today was just one of those unmotivating days, where u sit around and mope about what you have to do. Unfortunately at this stage of my life i can get away with that. I feel like Im a turtle who cracked the Egg and although i beat the odds and made my way to the teasing waves...I still have so many more challenges to go, and i can not affort to look back and celebrate my achievement...Because believe it or not that first achievement means nothing and is nothing to remember without that final one. I speak in simile's and metaphors, its so much easier then the "normal" language. some say its poetry, i say its my way of thinking, my way of writing. Lets hope im consistant and i persue those waves coming at me and keep logging everyday...consistancy is something i need to learn. I'm trying to get an appointment with a psychologist cuz its free for me (or at least i think so). Just for the heck of it. No one ever comes out of psychologists office undiagnosed so I want to see what ailment i would fall under if i were to fall under anything. my eyes are teary, my soul is sore, my heart is weary, thinking of love no more. ... o ya and its a full moon..i wish it had the effects it supersticiously does. i can use the energy